CASHING IN ON THE HIPSTER INVASION.

Some of you readers first became familiar with The Dante through answering a posting on Craigslist. My posting was in the (No Fee -For rent by owner) Section of the Brooklyn Apartments for rent section. Its true, i rent apartments out to hipsters. I have indeed, in the last year, been given the colorful moniker "The Rock n Roll Real Estate guy" This position has enabled me to penetrate the ironic (although mostly moronic) veil of the average hipster. I have studied these creatures with an utter fascination as they had their parents sign the lease as guarantors on some of the most shitty little apartments in South Williamsburg with warped floors and inflated price tags.

Meeting with The self proclaimed artist Chad from Wisconsin and his bed headed roommate Lars, both who are students at Parsons and whose tight ass pants revealed both their cash flow and their stage of puberty:

" I wanna live as close to "Billyburg" as i can"

"Well whats your budget?" That's my response of course. The guy in the tight plaid golf shorts and handlebar mustache turned to me and says:

" Well, he and i could afford to pay about $800 a piece for a nice two bedroom. I would say a total of $1700 tops but It simply must be near the L train.........got anything near that Mac Heron Park? I heard that area is really deck!"

(Jesus these guys are kidding right?)

" Well.... i can get you a lil' something close to the L train... for close that amount but $1600 for a two bedroom on Bedford or Lorimer....Mmmm.....thats just a little unrealistic right about now."

Hipster number one looks at hipster number two while he so thoughtfully twists the ends on his Baron Munchhausen-Stache....Hmmm. They both shrug and turn to me. He starts to say something and i immediatly cut him off:

"Why don't you and your pal move a little further out into Brooklyn on the L line. It's presently more reasonably priced for a much bigger space. Yes, you guys are artists right? You need room to....Create. So how about a 2 bedroom for $1500 on the Bushwick Ave train stop on the L?"

"Further out......wait a second....My friends told me that the further away from the city...the more...well...it's kinda Ghetto out there isn't it?"

"Listen, it does get a little ...Ethnic in some areas...But you guys have to understand that Brooklyn simply isn't how it used to be.....It's totally safe for you people now."

Chad looks at Lars with an expression of alarm. One of many skills that a native new yorker acquires is the ability to sense fear and at this moment i can smell the fear leaking out of this guy....it pollutes the air around us like a serious case of bad gas. I'm starting to get pissed off at this scared ass country boy. Something tells me that in a couple of weeks he's gonna be wearing a t-shirt that says "Brooklyn" on it. And when people ask him where he's from he is undoubtedly going to respond with his bony chest all puffed out and a little bass in his voice...."I'm from Brooklyn." This isn't intuition that speaks to me. This is experience. I feel the tension rising in the side of my neck. I must relax.... breathe...calm down.

"No worries fellas. (I smile) I do have a tiny studio apartment for $2600 on Monitor Street. That's quite a gorgeous neighborhood actually. and the building is brand new with giant windows, video intercom, private roof deck and a designer kitchen. You two could split that place and its only a short walk to Bedford Avenue."

At this sudden development i watch on in awe as two pairs of Hip eyebrows start to dance up and down like frenzied caterpillar's:

"Yes!, lets see that one. That sounds like something we're interested in. Mom and dad will send me the extra money anyway. You know Brooklyn still seems a bit scary at 3am. I mean...i don't want my girlfriend to get assaulted coming home from work at late hours. I mean.... coming to visit me. You understand right? You know....she's from a small town in Wisconsin. She's really not too worldly like Lars here and myself. but she's super creative. She makes paper mache' sculptures of Beer Cans. PBR is currently her best selling piece. Yes she is truly gifted, that one. And she's soooo damn hot. He he ha ha ha."

He slaps Lars a jubilant high five. He turns towards me. I'm not smiling. Not amused at all.

"Well....yes lets go see this apartment Mr Dante. And then i have to make a call to mom and dad. I think Brooklyn and i are gonna be a perfect match after all. Isn't that right Lars?"

Lars just shrugs. With not too much to say i figure that to be his best option. They say if you don't have something useful too say you may as well not say anything at all. It's better to have people just think that you're stupid than to open up your mouth and remove all doubt. Fortunately for me, silence turns out to be his "Only" option.

So there you have it. Yes it's true. I rent apartments to Hipsters. So what! I have recently come under much criticism here because people wonder why i would rent to individuals that i detest. Well.....A long time ago i decided that i would cash in on this unfortunate invasion of our urban culture. I have studied society enough to know that gentrification is a sad truth. It is bigger than you and i and Chad and all the people that we know. I figure that ,like a bad movie, it will be over eventually and rather than sit and complain i might as well sell tickets to the show. I also figure that i can attack this plague on two fronts. I can write about it here, expose these morons and expand peoples awareness. I can also have these Douche bags pay my rent and other bills. So you see in this way they can fuel the very fire that burns them. He he he.....So there it is. I do hate hipsters....And i LOVE New York.

DOUCHBAGS STRIKE AGAIIN

Check out these hipster douche-bags i caught with my hipster cam on the Bedford Ave platform and on the L train going into Brooklyn.

The guy in the silver was like some sort of human mannequin. He never moved even when the trains came and left. I think he wanted everyone to notice his striking ensemble of silver alien douchebag Jacket and Tight Polyester blend Lee jeans. Oh and lets not forget the matching silver Chuck Taylor's. No hipster is complete without a pair. But i think this guy looks like a native Brooklynite from the neighborhood just trying hard to fit in with his mid-western counterparts. I say this because he didn't look like he came from the mid-west there was something really N.Y.C hipster about him. And also his jeans really looked a little too loose. All the hipster transplants kind of shunned him. Guess they sensed danger. Intruder alert....intruder alert.

This next douchebag fashion victim was wearing the tightest jeans ever made but they still looked loose. Notice how his legs look like they must be brittle twigs underneath those used salvation army women's jeans. And those ugly boots. Arrrgh, whats with the pointy Duran Duran footwear? I guess its a good match for that 80's throw scarf he's got around his skinny hip neck. This meat head was so drunk all he did was mumble incoherently to people all around him and as he stumbled towards the door i was given the honor of watching on as he donated a spectacular piece of hipster artwork right there on the platform. A pile of multi-colored vomit. And they say these hipster transplants don't contribute a damn thing to our fine city huh?.... I beg to differ!

The Pants The Pants The Freakin Tight Pants!!!

Well well well....I was just wonderin why these maggots are wearing those tight pants. Trying not to be too judgmental about personal style while just feeling plain ol disgusted by these peoples style. Its that scientific center of my persona that tells me not to question this one style snafu because there is an underlying benefit. Although it is an eyesore, my inner scientist consoles me with data that speaks of smaller genitalia and blood deprived testicles. Which of course means less babies. Yes thats right, less hipster douchbags will produce offspring because of this out of date fashion. Keep it up guys. Keep wearing your girlfriends pants and i will keep producing healthy Anti-Hipster Spermatazoa. And one day this city and possibly this world will be free of the hipster for once and for all.

Love, light and lunacy

The Dante

My meager but heartfelt revenge.

Tonight while on my way home from work i struck a minor blow to the hipster douchebag transplant body. And it felt GREAT. I was watching this guy and girl hipster couple as they drunkly stumbled aboard the Brooklyn bound L train at first ave. Probably coming from a trendy L.E.S bar en route to thier overpriced apartment in "Billyburg" or "The Shwick". The guy was dressed as the typical follower that most hipsters are. He wore tight ass pants (minus the ass), a grey fedora hat and thick black rimmed glasses(all typical hipster attire). Him and his female counter part were talking at an obnoxiously loud decibal. Thank god i had my headphones on. I buried them even deeper into my ears to protect me from the vile language and meaningless conversation that began to corrupt the quality of my tunes. The passengers around them kept glancing at these morons and i saw nothing but contempt and annoyance in their eyes. Most people at this hour are tired from a full workday and they are relaxing and pondering about thier lives, their day, and just trying to get to their destinations. Some were reading books or listening to music like myself and at this juncture of the day as the midnight hour approaches most straphangers do not look forward to being annoyed. But there we all were, kidnapped by a couple of hipster douchbags. In the midst of our serenity being held hostage the train pulled into the Lorimer Street station and the couple began to disembark. The next few seconds moved in slow motion for me. The guy stumbled towards the door with the chick in tow. She was right in the middle of crossing my path when i realized where her next footfall would land. In about half a second her right foot would land right between my size eleven Nike Airs. If i twist my left foot just a little.......Hmmm here it goes....her foot landed just as i anticipated....I twisted and slightly turned the angle of my sneaker and BAM. Her foot was underneath mine. When she next stepped......BAM.....The desired effect was indeed achieved. The Hipster Moron stumbled towards the door and nearly fell off the train as the doors opened. She then glanced back at me. I shot her daggers with my sharp hazel eyes and i dug them deep into her simple soul. She knows a native New Yorker when she sees one. She immediatly turned away and quickly shuffled after her man. Who was by that time halfway down the platform and totally oblivious. I cracked a wide devious grin, looked around and noticed someone watching me. This woman who i assumed observed my trickery was looking at me and smiling. It felt good. I know it was silly, childish and even dangerous....But it felt really freakin good and even now, 2 hours later, i sit completely satisfied with myself and i smile. Strike one for a Real New York Starving Artist. The war has only just begun. Just thought i would share that.