Wednesday, September 3, 2008

CASHING IN ON THE HIPSTER INVASION.

Some of you readers first became familiar with The Dante through answering a posting on Craigslist. My posting was in the (No Fee -For rent by owner) Section of the Brooklyn Apartments for rent section. Its true, i rent apartments out to hipsters. I have indeed, in the last year, been given the colorful moniker "The Rock n Roll Real Estate guy" This position has enabled me to penetrate the ironic (although mostly moronic) veil of the average hipster. I have studied these creatures with an utter fascination as they had their parents sign the lease as guarantors on some of the most shitty little apartments in South Williamsburg with warped floors and inflated price tags.

Meeting with
The self proclaimed artist Chad from Wisconsin and his bed headed roommate Lars, both who are students at Parsons and whose tight ass pants revealed both their cash flow and their stage of puberty:

" I wanna live as close to "Billyburg" as i can"

"Well whats your budget?" That's my response of course. The guy in the tight plaid golf shorts and handlebar mustache turned to me and says:

" Well, he and i could afford to pay about $800 a piece for a nice two bedroom. I would say a total of $1700 tops but It simply must be near the L train.........got anything near that Mac Heron Park? I heard that area is really deck!"

(Jesus these guys are kidding right?)
" Well.... i can get you a lil' something close to the L train... for close that amount but $1600 for a two bedroom on Bedford or Lorimer....Mmmm.....thats just a little unrealistic right about now."

Hipster number one looks at hipster number two while he so thoughtfully twists the ends on his Baron Munchhausen-Stache....Hmmm. They both shrug and turn to me. He starts to say something and i immediatly cut him off:

"Why don't you and your pal move a little further out into Brooklyn on the L line. It's presently more reasonably priced for a much bigger space. Yes, you guys are artists right? You need room to....Create. So how about a 2 bedroom for $1500 on the Bushwick Ave train stop on the L?"

"Further out......wait a second....My friends told me that the further away from the city...the more...well...it's kinda Ghetto out there isn't it?"

"Listen, it does get a little ...Ethnic in some areas...But you guys have to understand that Brooklyn simply isn't how it used to be.....It's totally safe for you people now."

Chad looks at Lars with an expression of alarm. One of many skills that a native new yorker acquires is the ability to sense fear and at this moment i can smell the fear leaking out of this guy....it pollutes the air around us like a serious case of bad gas. I'm starting to get pissed off at this scared ass country boy. Something tells me that in a couple of weeks he's gonna be wearing a t-shirt that says "Brooklyn" on it. And when people ask him where he's from he is undoubtedly going to respond with his bony chest all puffed out and a little bass in his voice...."I'm from Brooklyn." This isn't intuition that speaks to me. This is experience. I feel the tension rising in the side of my neck. I must relax.... breathe...calm down.

"No worries fellas. (I smile) I do have a tiny studio apartment for $2600 on Monitor Street. That's quite a gorgeous neighborhood actually. and the building is brand new with giant windows, video intercom, private roof deck and a designer kitchen. You two could split that place and its only a short walk to Bedford Avenue."

At this sudden development i watch on in awe as two pairs of Hip eyebrows start to dance up and down like frenzied caterpillar's:

"Yes!, lets see that one. That sounds like something we're interested in. Mom and dad will send me the extra money anyway. You know Brooklyn still seems a bit scary at 3am. I mean...i don't want my girlfriend to get assaulted coming home from work at late hours. I mean.... coming to visit me. You understand right? You know....she's from a small town in Wisconsin. She's really not too worldly like Lars here and myself. but she's super creative. She makes paper mache' sculptures of Beer Cans. PBR is currently her best selling piece. Yes she is truly gifted, that one. And she's soooo damn hot. He he ha ha ha."

He slaps Lars a jubilant high five. He turns towards me. I'm not smiling. Not amused at all.

"Well....yes lets go see this apartment Mr Dante. And then i have to make a call to mom and dad. I think Brooklyn and i are gonna be a perfect match after all. Isn't that right Lars?"

Lars just shrugs. With not too much to say i figure that to be his best option. They say if you don't have something useful too say you may as well not say anything at all. It's better to have people just think that you're stupid than to open up your mouth and remove all doubt. Fortunately for me, silence turns out to be his "Only" option.


So there you have it. Yes it's true. I rent apartments to Hipsters. So what! I have recently come under much criticism here because people wonder why i would rent to individuals that i detest. Well.....A long time ago i decided that i would cash in on this unfortunate invasion of our urban culture. I have studied society enough to know that gentrification is a sad truth. It is bigger than you and i and Chad and all the people that we know. I figure that ,like a bad movie, it will be over eventually and rather than sit and complain i might as well sell tickets to the show. I also figure that i can attack this plague on two fronts. I can write about it here, expose these morons and expand peoples awareness. I can also have these Douche bags pay my rent and other bills. So you see in this way they can fuel the very fire that burns them. He he he.....So there it is. I do hate hipsters....And i LOVE New York.


11 comments:

Heather said...

That was brilliant. You have captured the essence of the hipster facade. The City of New York should establish a holiday in your honor. And good for you for cashing in!

Elaine said...

I love you for doing this... natives unite!

diehipster said...

hahahaha fuck these out of place ironic cocksuckers. Brooklyn rules.

Http://www.diehipster.com

Anonymous said...

i hate hipsters too, but you're just creapy.

DarcSKI said...

Best read of the year!!! Lets take back NY!

Retodd said...

These bastards started invading the "flyover" states about 3 years ago, and now my own beloved city, Austin, has become ground zero for hipsters in the South.

Same story. Moving to the East Side, driving up the rents, driving out the locals (mostly hard-working Mexican families). Then come the expensive comdos and the shitty art studios, complete with the ironic garage bands that pollute the air and assault the ears (funny, these guys don't seem to have a clue what the word "irony" really means).

I wish they'd move out to Williamsburg, where they all really want to be anyway.

Ashley said...

I found your blog when I was searching for info on headphones... hmm. Weird? Anyway, your posts are funny and I sympathize. Perhaps the New Yorkers who are fed up should move to Philly. We're still hardcore (murder-meets-culture) and with not nearly as many hipsters. Things are cheaper and it's an older city than NY and it's the second largest city on the east coast :)

I swear I'm not from the PA Dept of Tourism, lol.

Anonymous said...

damnn man we have to do something to take brooklyn back..i'm fed up with this and everytime i see one these hipster fags walking around the hood or riding a bike down the street i wanna run em over..lets unite and take BK back

When will this stupid hipster "movement" end? said...

Oh, if only there was a way to drive them all out of Brooklyn. I suppose most of the midwestern transplants will leave once the neighborhood becomes completely gentrified/overpriced, wearing off the novelty of living in 'tough' Brooklyn and 'keeping it real.' They'll get well-paying jobs and live conservative lives, like the hippies-turned-corporates before them. But there will always be enclaves filled with pseudo-intellectual, elitist assbags in New York, taking some of the joy out of living there.

mattiepoo said...

i can agree that Austin is being over-run by this plague as well. lots of fixed-gears, tight pants, and high-chinned elitism.

i want austin back the way it used to be, with all the southern hospitality and good music that seems to be dwindling rapidly.

alexb said...

is this more or less verbatim?, because it is ridiculous !!!